After having survived stage 4 cancer for the last 9+ years, I could never have anticipated that during the course of that survivorship, I would encounter the plague – AKA Covid-19. So previously, I would have said that cancer changed everything, but that was only in the microcosm of my own life. With the onset of Covid-19 literally everything changed everywhere on a global level! Whole countries are shut down. Our governments and health agencies are asking us to practice social or physical distancing and heightened hygiene, including frequent hand washing and wearing home made masks. Employers are encouraging those who can, to work from home.
Here in Canada, and more specifically, in Ontario where I live, we are going on 9 weeks of essentially a shelter in place unless you are a frontline worker or have an emergency. We are permitted to get groceries once a week and go to medical appointments, but that has pretty much been it. Just this week our provincial government had begun to ease the restrictions by allowing some businesses to open as long as they offer curb-side pick up. As for me, being immune-compromised and having lung cancer I have pretty much been home bound and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.
I, like many find myself with an abundance of time on my hands. The goals I wanted before, even the ones I had worked so hard for, changed yet again. So, to try and instil some perspective and a little serenity now (especially when I’m panicking, which at the beginning of all this, was essentially all the time! Since, I didn’t survive cancer to be taken out by a virus!). Was to go back and practice mindfulness. In light of that, I also decided to repost the 8- week series I posted some time back.
It was upon the recommendation of my psychologist, that I enrolled in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)* course. I was hesitant initially, because really who has time for an 8-week program?! But I did it, not once but twice. Now you may think MBSR is hokey and all kumbaya, but it’s one of the only meditation modalities being studied scientifically, and used in hospitals. It was hands down one of the best things I have ever done for myself and my mental health, which is why I’m going to do it again.
It isn’t for the feint of heart, because of the time commitment (8 Weeks + home practice), but I swear it is worth it. In the professionally led sessions, I would meet with a small group of stressed out – over worked – harried individuals each week and we would learn a specific practice or a few. Then we were tasked with homework. Typically it was an exercise in attention, some sort of meditation, and a very short “journal”. Initially it was a challenge fitting it in, but somehow if you are committed, you do find time.
The first time I learned MBSR was 10 years ago when I was transitioning back to work. Ican tell you that the skills I learned in those 8-weeks saved me a few times. Like the day they told me my cancer had come back, and that there wasn’t much they could do (at that time). Just before receiving the news, I had meditated while waiting for my oncologist, so I was calm and able to be rational and breathe. It allowed me to be clear headed and coherent enough to ask questions, 
something I likely wouldn’t have been able to do had I been extremely emotional.
As with anything, you need to practice or your skills get rusty. I have to admit that over the years, my practice hasn’t been what it used to be and once again life got in the way, so I took the course again, this time as a very willing participant. I will tell you, my mental health has been better since. I won’t lie, I don’t practice everyday (although I should), but I use it when I need it.
I thought that if anyone out there was willing, I would start with this post, to “lead” a very rudimentary Mindfulness Group, by posting what each weeks lesson is, the practices and leave it up to you to try it out.
There is no right or wrong way, to do this. It is a personal practice about learning to notice, becoming aware, and taking a moment to breathe. If you are game, Week 1 Resources will be posted below. I’ll post follow-ups every Sunday for the next 7 weeks.
Be well, Stay hone, Stay safe.
AM
*In 1979 Jon Kabat-Zinn founded MBSR at the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Clinic
at the University of Massachusetts and nearly twenty years later the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine. Both these institutions supported the growth and implementation of MBSR into research and hospitals worldwide.
Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to things as they are.
– Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn (2007)
Week 1 Mindfulness: Awareness & Automatic Pilot
- When we are on Autopilot, we are more likely to become annoyed or have our “buttons pressed”.
- Becoming more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, we can choose not to go down “the rabbit hole” or mental ruts.
- The aim of MBSR is to increase awareness so that we have more choices when we respond to situations, rather than react automatically.
- To achieve this, we practice becoming more aware of where our attention is and deliberately changing the focus over and over.
Activity 1: Raisins (or any small edible)
Take a raisin, or any small edible item. On a piece of paper, write down your immediate thoughts about that item. Next, use each sense to examine the item. Eyes, ears, fingers, mouth. Do each for a good minute. Now write down what you notice.
Meditation 1: Body Scan
Begin with a 45-minute body scan (see below). I suggest a quiet place where you can either sit or lay down. It’s ok if you fall asleep. I did.
Home Work:
- Do the body scan 6x for week one
- Record what you notice each time you do the practice.
- Choose one routine activity (washing your face, brushing your teeth, lacing your shoe, etc.) and make it deliberate, just like the raisin activity.
- Eat one meal mindfully (i.e. Like the raisin activity)
Meditations:
www.guilford.com/MBCT_audio (Requires creating a user account)
https://health.ucsd.edu/specialties/mindfulness/programs/mbsr/
Suggestions/Tips:
- Learning suggestions
- Dress comfortably in loose-fitting clothing (sweats or yoga-type clothing work well).
- Use a mat or pad that you can lie on the floor with.
- If the temperature varies the room you are using you might want to dress in layers.
- Choose a quiet spot or time when others will not be interrupting.
- Download meditations to an iPod or other listening device for easy listening.
- Good Luck
From love and tears.
Needless to say, I am fine since I’m writing this, for a detailed account, you’ll have to wait.
stimulated, and I didn’t have it to give. I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted a terrier. Typically a big dog in a little body and a sassy attitude to boot, I was sold! More specifically, I chose the West Highland White Terrier. I then proceeded to research reputable breeders. I would come to rescue later.
we drove to Scorybrek Kennels and met Terry. She held in her arms two little roly-poly polar bear puppies, brothers. They say a dog chooses it’s people. I can attest that statement is true. I say this because I originaly had my sights on the bigger puppy. He however, wanted nothing to do with me. His brother without hesitation, scooted up and began nipping at my fingers. I looked at him and knew. This was my boy! How could anyone resist that crooked eared little face. I thought because of that fault no one would want him, but I did. We picked him up three weeks later, Seamus Mac Ruff. Yes that was his name. It should have been Hamish to be accurate with his Scottish heritage, but it fit him, so it stayed.
He was a gragarious soul. He saw me through some of the toughest times of my life, a big burden for a little dog, but he never failed. That little white dog brought so much joy to so many. Always cheerful and happy. As he aged, he became a little ornery, but still lovable and friendly. He couldn’t ever have a passer-by not stop and say hello. The whole neighbourhood knew him, young and old alike. Sadly as his health declined, we had to make one of the most difficult and painful decisions. We had to let him go. Deaf and mostly blind, when he couldn’t recognise us, we knew it was time. After almost 14 years together, the loss is profound. I write this through tears, because that hurt is still too fresh.
them, I would be a mess, but they need me. Here’s where rescue comes into play. I had to leave Seamus with my mother after I got married and moved to Patrick’s apartment, he was too old to go up and down 3 flights of stairs and didn’t get along with Patrick’s cats, having tried to eat them twice. So I missed him. In order to get my Westie fix, I would have to visit my dear friend who has two of her own and at the time four others and a foster. It was one fateful visit that I met Lacey. From the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew I loved her. We don’t know what she came from, but from her timidness and fear, we could surmise she was abused and abandoned. I could see that 
she wanted to greet me, all the others had, but she hesitated. I could see the conflict in her mind. The wanting to move forward but being chained back by fear. So I waited, I let her come to me. By the end of my visit, she let me pat her belly while she slept, I knew she was ours.
him. You should see them now, it’s ridiculous how much she loves him. She was a dog you could not scold or hit, any hint of disapproval would evoke fear and a puddle on the floor. In the beginning, she feared everything, except Patrick and me. In the beginning, it was a precarious trust. Some would ask why I took on such a damaged soul. It was because I knew she was an unpolished gem. I knew it the moment I set eyes on her. So we invested, time, love, patience and hope that she would learn to love and trust. After three years the change is amazing, the payoff priceless. She’s a dog. Still a little timid in new environments, but 1000 times better than she was.
A few months later I got a message containing a photo, it was
said his name was Fabio, and that he was a snuggler. They were right about one thing, and it wasn’t his name. That changed immediately, but the snuggling, is heaven. He came to us so skinny I could feel every rib bone, his coat was thin and his feet bald from chewing, he scratched and itched, but he was so sweet. He fattened up right away and we got his ear infections under control, but the itching was a mystery. It’s all he did, bite and scratch for months, until we tried medication. Within hours, he was a different dog and no more itching. His personality masked by allergies now shone and he is quite the clown.
Disarmingly goofy Optimistically joyous Gregarious and loving Sympathetic and wonderful
3,285 not normal days, just off, abnormal like the cancer. Some days I feel every second. On other days, time flies.
month. 40! Middle aged (when did that happen :o)! Believe me, I didn’t think I’d ever see my 35th, let alone my 40th. When I was diagnosed nine years ago, I didn’t think I’d get to do a lot of things!
It shouldn’t take critical or terminal illness to teach us that lesson. 
Why can’t we all live genuinely, authentically, passionately, no time for B.S. kind of lives.
Its Valentine’s Day (and Ash Wednesday – irony?!), I had planned to write about some of
whole weekend and agreed to see each other again. When I got off the train three days later, he met me with snacks, because he knew I had been on a train for 5 hours and I might be hungry (Swoon). He then said he had dinner awaiting me.
When I started this Blog, it was really intended to be an outlet to express my life and with it was like living with a terminal illness, lumps and all. It is still that, but it has turned into so much more. Little did I know that a year ago on 
This year has been hands down the hardest year for me mental health wise. I have felt things that don’t seem like me. I have always been cheerful and tenacious, but since changing cancer medications, I have felt anything but. I wish I could just switch meds, but they ARE the thing that keeps me NED and cancer free(ish), so I can’t just stop, or change, I have to deal.
Swallow, down the meds go. The thoughts soon float away. I then found myself on occasions, especially when I was feeling particularly down or feeling sorry for myself questioning whether or not everyone would be better off without me? On very rare occasions I actually uttered these horrible thoughts, “I wish I were dead.” There it is. Dark. I am not my thoughts!
frequent counseling visits to vastly diminish the dark. I still feel down, but now I try to remember that tomorrow is a fresh start, I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel, and then try to move on. I never give it a postal code. I won’t live there. I have too much to live for. Too much work to do. I love life too much, and I certainly didn’t go through all this to just throw-in the towel or bury my head in the sand.
You can help raise awareness and funds by simply sharing 
I wish I could say that “if you didn’t know it was Lung Cancer Awareness Month, you’re living under a rock!”, but that is not the case. Most people I have asked were surprised. Well of course they were, we don’t have white/pearl/clear ribbons everywhere. We don’t have cement trucks with our message spread across it; we don’t really have walks, or Runs for the Cure. What we have is misinformation, apathy, and inadequacies.
leave you with is, that Lung Cancer unbiased, it comes for everyone, regardless of age, sex, creed or colour, because we all have lungs. Anyone can get lung cancer.
These Are My Scars 
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