This is my favorite time of year. I don’t know what it is about the weeks leading up to the holidays, but I just love them. My heart is warmed by twinkling lights adorning all the neighborhood houses and people seem just a little bit more cheerful. Just the other day it snowed, not just a dusting either, a real good snow. It was magnificent. Looking out our windows Sunday night and seeing a fluffy white blanket covering everything made me giddy. Everything seemed magical and pristine.
That day I spent the day in my jammies watching movies with the pups and a good cup of tea, it was heaven! A stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of the week before. It was a scan/check-in week preceded by a very long scare & scan day the previous Friday. Needless to say I had an x-ray, two chest CTs (one abdominal and pelvic), an MRI, an ECG an ECHO as well as blood work (thank you port) all in the span of 5 days and my body was feeling a little worse for wear. Thankfully, the scare turned out to be a chest infection and nothing more. Amidst all that my scans still say stable.
I am learning to live with stable, even though I don’t like it, even though I’d feel so much more secure if I was NED. NED allowed me imagine no cancer in my body, whether it was true or not, I don’t know. Its hard and sometimes torturous knowing that inside you there is a ticking time bomb or in my case many little time bombs just waiting to grow and spread (and kill you). The uncertainty makes it easy to go down the rabbit hole so much so that the thoughts permeate into everything, even my seasonal happiness.
While trimming the tree, I caught myself thinking… Wow! This is our first Christmas in this house, how truly amazing. I wonder if it will be my last? I wonder how many more Christmases I’ll get? I wonder if Patrick will decorate like this after I’m gone?
You see how easy it can be to get sucked in.
I don’t know if it is because I live my life in three week increments or six week milestones, but looking at a full year is truly daunting and scary. I felt the same way planning my wedding. It felt like a mixture of joy and sheer terror! Life can change so quickly. I have seen it happen too many times.
And then I remember to breathe.
Despite all these crazy emotions and being sick (my lungs sound like bagpipes warming up), my soul is happy. I find myself sitting on my couch sometimes, and I look around, and I am awed and I am grateful for all the blessings I have in my life. My husband, my family, my friends, my dogs, my home, and my health. My life is so rich! That is what I need to hold on to. That is the light that guides me out of the rabbit hole.
AM
These Are My Scars 