I hate to admit it and usually I wouldn’t and don’t, but here it is. I am struggling!
At least I feel like I am. Normally I would keep all this to myself and just bury it and I really don’t have a good reason for sharing my funk, but for some reason I feel compelled to do so. Even as I type, I hesitate. I fear that those that read this may think I am being negative or that something is wrong.
I don’t have a good answer to why I’m in a funk, but I am. Despite my husband desperately trying to pull me up, despite having a great weekend in Ottawa, despite getting good results back from my first CT. The drugs work, my tumors are shrinking and I’m still feeling down.
Maybe its because my edema is bad and I can’t seem to get it under control. Maybe its because my joints ache and I can barely get down the stairs. Maybe its because I’ve been cooped up all summer thanks to the hella hot and humid days. Maybe it because we are house rich and cash poor and I really want a vacation. I really don’ t know.
Those reasons just don’t seem like good enough reasons to be mopey though, not when you know people who are living their end days, not when you know children who won’t have mother’s, not when you know people who don’t have any options left. My crap is trivial.
I don’t know why being down or negative is such a bad thing, but I do know that when I feel that way, I feel guilty. Even my last piece for CKN bordered on the negative. I was hesitant about writing that too. But why? Why can’t a girl wallow?
I’m not advocating giving my mood a postal code or anything, but why can’t I just be mopey and pissed off for a little while, no questions asked, no concerned looks, no judgment (especially self judgment). Why do I feel bad for feeling bad?!