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Let’s Talk Again Bell

Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 2.19.03 AMWhen I started this Blog, it was really intended to be an outlet to express my life and with it was like living with a terminal illness, lumps and all. It is still that, but it has turned into so much more. Little did I know that a year ago on Bell Let’s Talk Day, a post I wrote the previous year talking about what it was like coming off of antidepressants would resonate so deeply. Deeply enough that it was picked up by WordPress’ Discovery team (a very awesome experience). I don’t know if this year’s post will be as profound or powerful, but I hope it touches someone out there and let’s them know they aren’t alone, and it’s ok to ask for help.

Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 2.21.13 AMThis year has been hands down the hardest year for me mental health wise. I have felt things that don’t seem like me. I have always been cheerful and tenacious, but since changing cancer medications, I have felt anything but. I wish I could just switch meds, but they ARE the thing that keeps me NED and cancer free(ish), so I can’t just stop, or change, I have to deal.

But it has been scary!

This year I have gone to some very dark places, had thoughts I never thought I’d have. I have to remind myself, that I am not these thoughts, and that tomorrow is a new day. Initially, these thoughts would casually pass through my consciousness very briefly, to float away. Then they would happen as I looked at my life saving medication and wondered why I take them? I mean what’s the point? I’m so tired of all this. Gulp. Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 2.21.39 AMSwallow, down the meds go. The thoughts soon float away. I then found myself on occasions, especially when I was feeling particularly down or feeling sorry for myself questioning whether or not everyone would be better off without me? On very rare occasions I actually uttered these horrible thoughts, “I wish I were dead.” There it is. Dark. I am not my thoughts!

It took me a few times experiencing this downward spiral to realize that something was really wrong. I was in a crisis that I hid from everyone, even myself. Upon this revelation, I immediately called my psychiatrist. Even with counseling and antidepressants, the depression and darkness seeped through. It wasn’t until I read another blog responding to Chris Cornell’s suicide that I really even realized this wasn’t me and that my brain as the author put it, was sick. It took an increased dose of my antidepressants and more Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 2.26.02 AMfrequent counseling visits to vastly diminish the dark. I still feel down, but now I try to remember that tomorrow is a fresh start, I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel, and then try to move on. I never give it a postal code. I won’t live there. I have too much to live for. Too much work to do. I love life too much, and I certainly didn’t go through all this to just throw-in the towel or bury my head in the sand.

For those who live in Canada, we have a wonderful initiative, sponsored by Bell Canada. It happens every year around this time and it raises both funds and awareness for mental health in Canada. Mental illness effects 1 in 3 Canadians, and yet it is still largely stigmatized. Bell Let’s Talk Day removes the stigma by allowing everyday Canadians to reach out and stand up, and is working to breakdown barriers faced by those who suffer from a mental illness. Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 2.29.59 AMYou can help raise awareness and funds by simply sharing #BellLet’sTalk. By doing so, Bell will donate 5 cents every time it is Tweeted, texted, mentioned online, or when you use the bell network, so call, Tweet, text your hearts out for mental health.

Be Well XO

If you or anyone you know is in crisis, please call 911 or

Distress Lines

Operated by various agencies.  When in need of someone to talk to. Open 24 hours a day (unless otherwise indicated).

Toronto Distress Centres (416) 408-4357 or 408-HELP

Gerstein Centre 416-929-5200

Telecare (Mandarin & Cantonese), 416-920-0497

Contact Centre Telecare Peel 905-459-7777, Languages: English, Punjabi, Hindi, Urdu, Spanish, Portuguese

Assaulted Women’s Helpline 416-863-0511, Toll-free: 1-866-863-0511

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Warm Line, Progress Place 416-960-9276 or 416-960-WARM, every day from 8pm to 12 midnight

Kids Help Phone at 1 800 668-6868

Distress Centre Peel 905-278-7208

Durham Crisis Line 905-666-0483

Oakville Distress Centre – 905-849-4541

Click here for a comprehensive list of International resources

 

8 Year Chemoversary

On this day 8 years ago, I had my last chemo infusion. Sure I’ve had lots of treatment since then, but no more chemo infusions. So as I sit here at the kitchen table, surrounded by those I love, snow blanketing everything, I silently give thanks for all that has happened since that day, and a lot had happened! So much so that if I wrote it all down, I’d be missing out on the laughter surrounding me. Suffice it to say, I am blessed immensely and have been, in good and bad.

So I’d like to take just a moment more and wish you all a Happy Holiday, whether you celebrated Hanukkah, or will celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, or Festivus. Be safe, be happy, be well.

AM

#GivingTuesday

Screen Shot 2017-11-28 at 9.25.44 PMAbout a year ago, I wrote about Awareness and Action, That they are vastly different things. One is the actual act of something, the other is passive, and involves doing nothing. That’s right, nada, Zilch. Zero things are done. Bupkis. So in the dying hours of this Giving Tuesday, I want to remind people of just that. We should act and give, not just today, because we have been sold on a “gimmick”, but because we want to. Often even every day. It can be big or small. It also doesn’t have to be money, it can be time or a good deed. We have gotten too used to throwing awareness around, that nothing really happens. Lots and lots of inaction.

So why do we need a reminder?! Goodness and giving should be a no brainer, right?!

Is it that we get so wrapped up in our own drama, that we don’t see, or make time? AreScreen Shot 2017-11-28 at 9.26.08 PM we keeping score? If we are, then we shouldn’t, because life owes us nothing.

So I’m reminding you, Awareness is great, be aware, but also act.

I’m leaving this here, because I have to.

Be kind. Be good. Be present. Be generous. Give. Be well.

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Organizations I love.

Lung Cancer Canada

Young Adult Cancer Canada

First Descents

Save Me Dog Rescue

T’was the Evening of Hope

November is Lung Cancer Awareness month and tonight is Lung Cancer Canada’s annual  Screen Shot 2017-11-23 at 4.18.11 PM.pngCasey Cosgrove who was the MC and truly synonymous with this night. Casey was such an integral part of this organization and made a huge difference to so many people dealing with lung cancer by not only sharing his own experience but by being a relentless advocate for the cause. On a very personal level he was a dear friend who I admired and miss very much. My heart is hurting.

Tonight won’t be the same without Casey but we will carry on best we can and try to continue the work he was so passionate about.

The above was written by my dear friend Roz Brodsky (A 3x lung cancer survivor), her words captured my feelings so well, that I asked to share them.

Screen Shot 2017-11-23 at 4.26.28 PMI wish I could say that “if you didn’t know it was Lung Cancer Awareness Month, you’re living under a rock!”, but that is not the case. Most people I have asked were surprised. Well of course they were, we don’t have white/pearl/clear ribbons everywhere. We don’t have cement trucks with our message spread across it; we don’t really have walks, or Runs for the Cure. What we have is misinformation, apathy, and inadequacies.

I can’t tell you how many smoking cessation ads I have seen. Horrible in their depiction and so stereotypical that they add to the stigma and apathy. I am all for helping people quit, I personally believe we should treat an addiction, like an addiction, not a bad habit. I also think these ads should be part of a campaign strictly for cessation and illustrating ALL the diseases it is a risk factor for.

The sad part of associating these two things is that patients like so many others, and myself have to defend ourselves or tell people we are “Non/never smokers”. We shouldn’t have to, because we both have the same thing in common, lungs. The point being, it can happen to anyone at any age.

I have been radio silent this #LCAM because I have so much to say, but am so discouraged and tired of banging my head against the wall. I don’t know what it will take? It’s not the lives lost 1.59 million globally, or as my friends in the US will tell you #433aday, which is the number of Americans that die daily from this disease. We would take notice if a jumbo jet plummeted to the ground, right? Why can’t we see that this is happening daily!

I have posted a statistics laden post the last few years; I’m not going to do that again. What I Screen Shot 2017-11-23 at 4.26.14 PMleave you with is, that Lung Cancer unbiased, it comes for everyone, regardless of age, sex, creed or colour, because we all have lungs. Anyone can get lung cancer.

Be Well

AM

Remembering Lizzie

I have been struggling as of late to summarize and put to words my trip to Japan, so I will post that in another post, until then, please read this. Lizzie was a tremendous spirit and although I had only ever spoken to her via email and phone, he passing shook me to my core.

Be well,
AM

from lizzie's lungs

As Lizzie’s mom, I have had the privilege of writing on her blog twice before today.  The first time was after her surgery, and what a great day it was. We had so much hope.

9d63822e-7960-42fb-9e5c-b5ba58686a45July 1st 2016 Three days after Elizabeth’s surgery, one day after Jack’s first birthday. Both milestones she was so grateful to achieve.

The second time was is Boston when Elizabeth was beginning a new trial drug. We still had hope. 

Today as I write this, I am reminded how Elizabeth could find hope in the smallest things, in the most difficult times. For those of you not aware, Elizabeth passed away peacefully on Feb 25, 2017.
d2f37b35-243b-49b2-9ab1-937081a5024fWhen you love someone as much as we loved Elizabeth, you believe you can protect them. To say we were blindsided by this terrible disease is an understatement. Elizabeth had an incredible will to live, and so much to live…

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Konichi wa Nihon

So today is the big day, day one of the IASLCs World Lung Cancer conference! After a few days getting our feet grounded after so so much travel, I’m ready to report! 

So far it’s a busy day (what an understatement). I type this as I wait for my second big session. I’ll be back later with a summary of my day, and a few highlights of the conference’s first day. Until then, you can keep posted by following on Twitter (@thesearemyscars, @iaslc, #WCLC2017, or #LCSM, or Facebook). 

Sorry I can’t live link, but I will later on. Blogging by phone has its limitations! 

Sayonara for now, 

AM

So long Hong Kong

I write this as I am waiting to taxi out on my connecting flight to Tokyo. I am on my way to the International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer’s global conference, an annual gathering being held in Yokohama this year. In my pervious posts, you will have read about my excitement, so I’ll refrain from repeating myself.

What I will say is, thank you! 

Thank you to all the people who contribute and organize World Lung. Thank you to the researchers, those in clinics and those behind a microscope in the lab. Thank you to the oncologists and their teams, to the nurses and social workers, and the army of people who chose to work in the field of lung cancer. Without you, I wouldn’t be writing this, or writing anything. 

I am so greatful to the IASLC for being an excellent resource and for opening their conferences to patients, but for also having an award that helps patient advocates with limited means attend. If it weren’t for this generous award, I would not be able to attend. I would be at home, glued to twitter waiting for the latest developments in lung cancer research and care. Of course I have a vested interest in what’s going on at a “World Lung” because it tends to be where patients like me, living life line to life line get our info. That is, if we aren’t already in a clinical trial. It may sound weird that I’m excited about exons, translocations, and serum diagnostics, but that’s where all the juicy details are being studied, that is a gross understatement! There is so much incredible research being done in lung cancer. 

So as the stewardess asks me to turn my phone to airplane mode, I ask you to keep tuned here. I am hoping to post a daily summary of the things I have gotten to do (I can’t get to everything, that would require cloning.). I hope to be well rounded and share not only the patient experience, but the science and social events as well. 

Stay tuned,

AM